My Normal Day....

It's great to see Stewart getting settled into a routine, mixing it up with the ladies and working hard to have a positive impact on the lives of those around him. Since Stewart has given an account of his daily routine, I feel obligated to give an account of mine...

Typical Weekday:

06:00AM - My alarm goes off (If I wasn't too drunk the night before to remember to set it).

(I hit the snooze)

06:09AM - My alarm goes off again.

(I hit the snooze)

06:18AM - My alarm goes off again.

(I hit the snooze)

06:23AM - I get up before my alarm goes off again (with a false sense of accomplishment because I managed to get up before the alarm went off).

06:24AM - I'm in the shower, and my alarm goes off again. (Because I forgot to turn it off when I got up earlier).

06:48AM - Out of the shower and getting dressed. I try to find one of the four Brooks Brothers Oxfords that I own, and haven't worn yet that week. (I have more than four shirts, it's just that these are wrinkle resistant and so it saves me about 4 minutes of ironing time.)

07:00AM - I take my dog out so he can go to the bathroom. I also wave to my carpool partners who have arrived promptly at 7:00.

07:07AM - My dog takes a crap. I pick it up with a "complimentary" disposable bag that my condo provides. (Do these assholes really think I would pay for a paper bag to pick my dogs shit up with if they didn't provide one for me?)

07:11AM - I finally make it to the car and settle in for the twenty five minute ride to work where I may or may not participate in the group conversation, depending on the topic. (If someones talking about a good band they saw the night before, I participate. If the group is discussing what happened last night on Grey's Anatomy, I sit quietly and think of ways to kill myself and then come back to life twenty five minutes later. Stewart, please advise of any methods you may know of to accomplish this).

07:45AM - I arrive at my cubicle, and die a little inside.

07:50AM - I get on the Internet and check my e-mail. (If I'm lucky, my Internet girlfriend, Juanita, is online and we g-chat for about an hour.) Then I check my online banking to see how much my bar tab was the night before. (Surprise, it was a lot.) Then I check my fantasy football team and discover that three of my best players have been injured and they're out for the rest of the season.

09:00AM - Morning Logistics Meeting. I sit in a conference room full of people who are unbelievably ignorant about any number of topics. (Seriously, if I were the boss, I would fire every person in the room.)


10:00AM - I do a little work, make a few calls and maybe go to my bosses office with a problem that I already have the solution to. I sit, in agony, as he goes over every possible scenario that may fix the problem. Finally I say, "Hey, like you were saying earlier, why don't we try this?" (even though he had never mentioned anything about what I had just suggested.) He says: "Yeah, I've thought about it, and that's the only solution that I can come up with. Let me know how it works out"

12:00PM - I go to lunch. I'm supposed to get an hour for lunch but I usually stay gone for about an hour and a half. I just walk around downtown and spend money to avoid having to go back to the office. (Although, recently I've been staying at my desk during lunch because my online relationship with Juanita has really begun to heat up, and we g-chat more often than we once did.)

1:30PM - I get back to my desk and die a little more inside.

2:00PM - I return a few phone calls, send a few e-mails and swing by me bosses office to let him know that "His" idea worked great, and tell him how much I appreciate his help.

3:30PM - I leave. I just get up and walk out. I walk around the building a couple of times, thinking about how Bad Ass I would be if I just got in my car and never came back. Drain the savings account, empty out the 401(K) and break out the backpack (that I haven't gotten to use in three months because I work all the time).

4:30PM - I get back to my desk, where I sit for the next fifteen to thirty minutes until my boss leaves..... then I leave.

5:15PM - I arrive at the car and wait for my over-achieving carpool partners to arrive back at the car.

5:40PM - I get home and take my dog out to play. (If I were still in college, this is the point where I would self-medicate with pot, or pain pills, or any number of benzodiazepines.)

6:30PM - I am about four beers into a six pack when I decide to go get more beer.

After that, everything gets a little fuzzy...

and then Beep, Beep, Beep,..... it's 06:00AM - My alarm goes off.(I hit the snooze)